NEW YORK—During a press conference on Monday, chief spokesman of the New York Police Department Robert Fuchs gave a statement regarding what will be the latest in a string of police misconduct incidents. “There were, are, and will continue to be no warning signs for this unfortunate event. We at the NYPD will be shocked and dismayed at the allegations leveled against our colleague. We will be deeply saddened and offer our prayers for the victim or victims as well as their family or families,” said Fuchs. “Of course, we must remind people that these will have been the utterly unpredictable actions of an individual who will act without guidance from his or her superiors, and will not be a reflection on the police force as a whole.”
LOS ANGELES—Following the unintentional revealing of her nipple during Tuesday’s episode of Dancing With The Stars, former Georgia Special Prosecutor Nancy Grace has called for the offender, television personality Nancy Grace, to be burned at the stake. “This deranged pervert used a prime-time, family-oriented show to deliberately expose herself to millions of viewers,” said Grace. In response, Nancy Grace said her exposure was “accidental” and “regrettable.” Grace added that her comments were, “an utter mischaracterization of the events with no factual basis, and an irresponsible incitement of public opinion against [her].”
PORTSMOUTH, NJ—Texas governor and GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry clarified his position on gravity at a campaign stop today, and simultaneously expressed his distrust of the scientific community. “We cannot blindly trust that gravity will remain constant,” said Perry, “when our best understanding of it is just a theory.” He called on Congress to pass a gravity independence act mandating structural reinforcements enabling existing and future landmarks to withstand possible surges in gravity up to six times its normal intensity, in addition to bedrock tethers to prevent landmarks from escaping into orbit during a total loss of gravity. Perry also pushed for a Great Lakes emergency containment system in order to, “protect the bounty and splendor of America’s principal shipping waterways from the unknowable moods of gravity.” Perry added, “It is shameful that due to partisan politics, the current administration has continued to treat gravity as a fact, gambling our shared history as Americans on what is nothing more than science’s best guess.” Hewing to his record as a fiscal conservative, Perry assured those gathered that the entire cost of gravity independence could be defrayed by further budget cuts in education.